Who told you you're allowed to rain on my parade? For some reason, lately, I've been feeling terribly out of it. Almost as though I've hit rock bottom and my brain is on empty. The weirdest part? Nothing particularly bad has happened to me. While yes, I have been through completely horrible events in my lifetime, but nothing in the past few days has happened to me to kick off this terrible slump. Perhaps it is because I have seen some old friends who truly brought out the worst in me. In the past week, I have seen a friend who practically fed my eating disorder, and seeing that person has not helped things at all. Seeing this person has practically broken my heart into a million pieces. It makes me want my eating disorder again. I feel as though it would just be so much easier to starve away my feelings at this point. Yet, I am trying and working so hard to FEEL things out for once rather than starve them away, and that's not for once...I haven't starved my feelings away in like a year. But, even a year post-sickness, I have the urges to starve my feelings away still. I am currently being more mindful and in tune to my feelings. The hard part is, however, that my feelings are presently HARD to deal with. Feeling sad, and allowing myself to feel sad, is so terribly unusual and difficult. Another struggle I have been dealing with lately is constantly putting pressure on myself to be happy. I have this idea in my mind that you always have to be happy no matter what and can never be in a bad mood. I am certain I get this idea from my father. Whenever I am "not in a good mood" by his standards, he feels the need to comment on it. Well, I'M SORRY DAD I CAN'T ALWAYS BE IN A GOOD MOOD! But, no that's not really my explanation for that. Before, I thought, if he thought that I wasn't in a good mood, then there must be something wrong with me, and it's time to shape up. But now that I think of it, there's something wrong with HIM! I don't feel the need to criticize everytime he's not in the chipperiest moods ever. I allow him to feel however he feels, and I am entitled to that as well. No, I am not going to be in a great mood all of the time, but I am going to feel sad, and that's okay. Now, however, when I feel sad, I am not just going to dismiss the thoughts or put on happy music to try to reverse the sad feelings and transform them into happy feelings. I am going to put on those sad, depressing, break-up songs that let me feel sad, and express the way I'm feeling. I will feel out those sad songs until I've gotten it out of my system, and I will eventually feel happy like every other normal human being. So, maybe my current parade is a sad one! But who told you you could ruin my sad parade, huh? Who told you you're allowed to rain on my parade?
12/23/2010 21:22:43

Scarecrow field, winter poems, and look at the evil, Shou at harvest.


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