and today i have no strength to write a blog. ive exhausted myself missing people tonight. but do not feel like talking about it to you all...but just remember your beauty. your divine and wondrous beauty that comes from the inside, out....and for today....a little mercy me never hurt nobody!

Well today I overheard some family members saying how they wanna work out tomorrow and i was like omg totally (in my mind) I need to go craaaazzzy because we have a dress fitting tomorrow and we tried on clothes tonight and i feel like the giant whale that i am and i cannot consume another carb because i'm going to blow up and explode like augustus gloop!!!! so that was the really awful thought process in my brain. now how I work through that?? some people may call it logic, others may like to call it a more CBT approach (cognitive behavioral therapy)...well call it whatever you may, but it's how i got myself out of that ugly thought cycle. I think it is just balance. ahh balance. i love the sound of that word.
How do you incorporate balance? oh, it is a struggle. especially in recovery, because ED's are all about excess! black and white thinking! extremes! one or the other but no way in heck is there any middle ground. well, i think i'm living proof of the middle ground...maybe because all my life i've been treated as the middle ground, as in my whole life i have acted as the family's middle ground, but that's another story/topic for another day. back on the brilliance of balance? ...right. so i know in my mind that excessive exercise is NOT for me. like seriously. been there done that. it's not a fun thing, but regardless, how did i make the cognitive choice to not even participate in the conversation? practice...and realizing that those conversations are not something i want to be a part of. for example, why am i going to work so hard to fit into a dress? i mean, work is the wrong word, more like backtrack in my serious mental illness to fit into a dress. That is just messed up everybody! Dresses are made to fit a woman's body, a woman's body is not meant to fit a dress. I guess this is just one raw example. But a decent example of how you can monitor these daily occurrences. Like, if you look at a magazine picture and think, wow that girl is soooo beautiful. well come on now! that's not her natural beauty! that's just a few peoples bajillion dollar photoshop creation, and it's an unattainable ideal. you can't forget that! but enough of my ranting, if you're going to take anything away from today's post, please remember that pro-ana sites execute unhealthiness that takes away from a good balance of life. there is no balance possible with those websites. and for all of you who have no affiliation with that kinds of stuff whatsoever, just remember not to get caught up with negativity. i know somebody who doesn't even watch any negative tv shows, because why even bother bringing that negativity in your life if you can avoid it? interesting topic! i would do the same, except i'm a sucker for those romances.....well, for the rest of you, remember balance. do one thing tonight that can help you express and incorporate balance in your life? this can be balancing work/play, eating veggies/eating desserts, giving hugs/getting kisses, drinking coffee/drinking more coffee...april fools! if you're drinking that much coffee (ahem SO NOT ME WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT!!!??I DO NOT HAVE A CAFFEINE ADDICTION, AND YES I KNOW THE FIRST STEP IS DENIAL!) woohoo okay anyway, yeah it's a little late for me and my excessive tiredness. so if you catch my drift, balance out your lives everyone. i'm going to balance my tiredness with some sleep....and maybe a lovely, balance-filled chat with my incredibly handsome boyfriend before that! good night!
With some balance giving love,

my smiles for the day is nat king cole's explanation needed ;)
Yeah, yeah, yeah. You talk, I'll listen. That's how I like to think about things. But in order to get the help you need, you gotta talk. Alright, so what does that mean? I myself have a terribly difficult time talking about things. I like to hold it all in (a huge part of anorexia, one of the biggest character traits is withdrawal, and quietness). Most people don't see this. I'm pretty much known as the girl who is really loud and outgoing, and admittengly sometimes obnoxious. That's me on the surface though, and in comfortable situations. When I'm out in public and by myself, I just try to seclude myself and be invisible. Don't ask me why this is, I seriously think it's just one of my anorexic character traits, and that's okay. I don't have to change that. But I often wonder if my loudness is also just a defense mechanism, me trying to tell the world that I don't really care what anybody thinks about me, but that's largely untrue. Well, I am most comfortable with myself, and don't essentially care what anybody does think, it all doesn't really make sense. What comes first, the chicken or the egg? Don't get be started on that one...I could start thinking about that one for hours! 
NEDA's tag line is "It's Time to Talk About It" and rightfully so. How can we stop eating disorders if we don't spread the word and be advocates!?!??!?!WE CAN'T!!!! So, today, just do one thing! As NEDA says. It's time to talk about it. So spread the word to a friend, post a facebook status, send a tweet, an e-mail, a text, and tell your friend about pro-ana sites and why they are so bad. Thanks for talking about it with me! 
My thing that makes me smile today is the song Smile by Uncle Kracker!!!! You make me smile like the sun, fall outta bed, sing like a bird....... :) 
Now while I go off to eat a massive sandwich and attend contemporary catholic theology! 

Today, I decided that this is my life and I'm going to live it the way I want to, and own that. Okay, wellll I didn't exactly decide that today. I think it's been more of a recovery thing of 2011. I learned it through one of my eating disorder clinicians who is all about what works for her, and no judgment by anyone else. It's her life so she's going to live it as she wants and sees fit for her. I try to do this on an everyday basis. It's hard when you are so willing to compare yourself to others, though. 
Regardless, I've been thinking of recording some super things that make me smile each day to keep in tune with my post yesterday. I sent this video to my boyfriend today. I haven't actually watched the video, but I'm obsessed with the song. I heard it on the radio the other day after hearing it many times before. but so simple! oh how a kiss can just put the brightest smile on my face :D. I know for many of us this isn't possible though. I remember hearing recovery bits about how your significant other can make you smile or how to even deal with your significant other. Not so handy tips if you don't have that someone or if you are in a messy situation with someone. I've been there, both situations. I waited a long time, however, and God put the most amazing guy in my life! But enough about this. This blog is totally not about the male species.... So you want to know how to take ownership of your life? It isn't that much different than finding that special something that makes you smile. While the world doesn't revolve around you, let's face it, your life does. And if you don't take ownership of your life, believe me, nobody else is! just like if you don't take care or worry about you, nobody else is in the same way that you would. So,  I would just say that I took ownership of my life by making decisions solely based upon what I wanted and how I can help others but still doing what I want to do. It's not about making things revolve around me, but about making sure that i don't do something just because I see somebody else doing it, or doing something because I feel I won't compare with anyone else if I don't, or that God won't love me the same way if  I don't. After coming from a hard time of eating disordered prefectionism, this is a hard concept to wrap my head around. No comparing? No having to do everything perfectly?! GASP! but in all seriousness, there really is no need for any of that. So take ownership of You, beautiful, because nobody else is. IT'S YOUR LIFE! SO LIVE IT!!!!! and in the wise words of spongebob, today is tomorrow's yesterday. Don't let that go by without having lived your live the way you want. Take ownership of that life, you owe it to you ;)

Now I have to go pray my decade of the rosary before bed. No, they still can't figure out what is the matter with me. :(

Hugs and life giving ownership,
Today I decided to take care of me. I've been feeling really ill lately, what some may call in the medical field (not me, of course) "extreme fatigue". It's been pretty miserable to say the least, but I woke up this morning after feeling this way for a few days, and decided I was gonna call the doctor. CALL THE DOCTOR YOU SAY?! yeah.....i never used to do that kind of thing. happens when you have an eating disorder. taking care of yourself=unknown concept. or denied concept. take your pick. but recovery is ALL about self-care and knowing your self-worth. so i am mighty proud that i went to the doctor today. Even picking up that phone is a step in a new direction for me. Like big deal!!! I never call health care providers because I'm scared of talking on the phone. But that fear didn't even enter my mind. I just went ahead and called. WOOHOO! i am awesome. haha.....okay not true, but a part of my recovery is to learn my awesomeness while excepting it, no? So, what I'm trying to say is, even though I still feel awfully, I made a recovery step today. Even though I had my blood drawn today, and to me getting blood drawn just has eating disorder written all over it, I still did it!!! I took the steps toward self-care. So today, what I'm trying to say is, self-care is the way to go. And if we wanna talk anti pro-ana today, just think about how pro-ana supports DAMAGE TO THE SELF and not self-care. So, don't visit pro-ana sites if you are trying to practice self-care....which should be ya'll! And no I'm  not from the south, but remember, wellness is key all around! okay i'll stop my really awful jokes. Just think about wellness, and self-care. These are tastes of recovery I thought I would never experience. And that is AWESOME!!!!!!! so, even though I still have no idea what is wrong with me in terms of why I feel ill, what is right with me is my self-care! So say a little prayer I feel better. But until next one thing today to take care of YOU! A bath, a walk, phone an important friend you never get to talk to, look at a picture that makes you smile, look up a funny joke and laugh until you cry of utter happiness, brush your hair, do your make up for the heck of it, go for a run, listen to your favorite song, watch your favorite movie, kiss your significant other, hug someone you care about, DO SOMETHING THAT MAKES YOU SMILE AND TAKE CARE OF YOU!!!!!!!!! :) 
Now while I go and read an introduction to contemporary psychodynamic theory, have an awesome day!!!
With self-caring love,
little kids....i always knew how to make myself smile!!!! SILLY!!!!!! :D
On my Stop Pro-Ana facebook page, somebody told me that we cannot fight against eating disorders because people wouldn't say such a thing about a real physical illness. This is a very uneducated, and misinterpreted statement. People who are suffering with cancer are, in turn, fighting their cancer. People who have eating disorders as well are fighting against them. However, when there are all these pro-eating disorder websites, people are unable to start fighting earlier, because the communities are infested with negativity rather than supporting each other to get help or begin a journey of recovery. Just like any other illness, physical or mental (or both!), many people lose the fight everyday. That's why I continue to fight, even though I may not be battling my eating disorder to the same extremity that I did three years ago, even, I am not prepared to give in or lose the fight now. It's also why I fight for others by getting the word out about pro-eating disorder materials that exist. But enough of that.....that was just my little public service announcement! 
In looking for inspiration for today's blog, I saw some tweets about peace, and I was thinking, "What an awesome topic!" Because seriously, inner peace is something I always think about. I mostly think about it in terms of decisions. Like, does doing A rather than B bring me a sense of peace and calm? I ask myself questions like these when it comes to discerning life-changing decisions, but also with life in general.
There is nothing like inner peace. I don't mean the whole Buddha-like, super yoga peace. Because, I'm a devout Catholic and I'm not really into that. Not that you can't have both, because I know lots of people in recovery where yoga is a really awesome tool used as a vehicle to be one with your body and one with God (or any kind of spirit, divine power that the yoga-practicer may believe in). But inner peace brings a holistic calm to your heart. It gives you a sense of awareness that you can make it through this life with joy! JOY! Learning how to experience inner peace has been a long, hard journey that I am still embarking on everyday. What I've learned so far, and how I've come to experience even a taste of inner peace, even a taste of recovery, is another question. I have had to teach myself, and learn from the world, what it means to truly be beautiful. Not even superficially beautiful, or beautiful on the surface. There is so much more to beauty that is to be experienced in this life, I believe. God gave us beauty to experience it, not to create it to be an unattainable ideal that superficial beauty seems to be, simply because of the way our society has created it to be. 
Enough of my rambling. What I would like you to take away from this post, on this beautiful Sunday afternoon, is to think about your definition of inner peace. What is it like to possess inner peace? What does inner peace feel like? If you don't have inner peace, which we all do, I encourage you to search for it, look for it. You deserve to feel that peace, and that beauty that God has given us. And...if you don't feel like you deserve it, which is crazy but I'll entertain the thought, I encourage you to FIGHT! FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT!!!!! the way we fight cancer, eating disorders, and the same way I fight against these crazy pro-eating disorder sites!!!!!!!!!! 
So fight for that peace, my spiritual little ones. :) 

I think this is reflective of God's inner peace that the earth holds, a peace He has provided for all of us.
I know you all care about seeing a picture of me....but I think this picture of me reflects my inner joy and peace that I have FINALLY attained, but I will admit, I fought for it!
Well if it honestly took medical professionals to find this out this late, I'm saddened by the perspective of outsiders who know little about eating disorders. Check it out. They kill their bodies with fats and grease
but we give our bodies nothing at all."  

That's a line of a pro-ana poem disovered by the authors of that article. It most definitely is sickening, and I can't believe I used to be fed those lines when I was at my sickest. I was looking for each little thing that would feed my disorder. Looking on the computer all night, when I was an insomniac because I made myself stay up all night, half because I thought it would help me lose weight, and half because when I fasted like crazy, I could not get an ounce of sleep in. There are many people out there right now acting how I did, and worse. When I used to follow pro-ana girls on Twitter, we used to hear about pro-ana girls that were going into the hospital because they were dying, and we also used to hear about girls that died. This is all because of eating disorders, and more importantly, these deaths stemmed from pro-ana/mia sites. It has got to stop. And I'm going to do whatever it takes to make it. Please help me.
Who told you you're allowed to rain on my parade? For some reason, lately, I've been feeling terribly out of it. Almost as though I've hit rock bottom and my brain is on empty. The weirdest part? Nothing particularly bad has happened to me. While yes, I have been through completely horrible events in my lifetime, but nothing in the past few days has happened to me to kick off this terrible slump. Perhaps it is because I have seen some old friends who truly brought out the worst in me. In the past week, I have seen a friend who practically fed my eating disorder, and seeing that person has not helped things at all. Seeing this person has practically broken my heart into a million pieces. It makes me want my eating disorder again. I feel as though it would just be so much easier to starve away my feelings at this point. Yet, I am trying and working so hard to FEEL things out for once rather than starve them away, and that's not for once...I haven't starved my feelings away in like a year. But, even a year post-sickness, I have the urges to starve my feelings away still. I am currently being more mindful and in tune to my feelings. The hard part is, however, that my feelings are presently HARD to deal with. Feeling sad, and allowing myself to feel sad, is so terribly unusual and difficult. Another struggle I have been dealing with lately is constantly putting pressure on myself to be happy. I have this idea in my mind that you always have to be happy no matter what and can never be in a bad mood. I am certain I get this idea from my father. Whenever I am "not in a good mood" by his standards, he feels the need to comment on it. Well, I'M SORRY DAD I CAN'T ALWAYS BE IN A GOOD MOOD! But, no that's not really my explanation for that. Before, I thought, if he thought that I wasn't in a good mood, then there must be something wrong with me, and it's time to shape up. But now that I think of it, there's something wrong with HIM! I don't feel the need to criticize everytime he's not in the chipperiest moods ever. I allow him to feel however he feels, and I am entitled to that as well. No, I am not going to be in a great mood all of the time, but I am going to feel sad, and that's okay. Now, however, when I feel sad, I am not just going to dismiss the thoughts or put on happy music to try to reverse the sad feelings and transform them into happy feelings. I am going to put on those sad, depressing, break-up songs that let me feel sad, and express the way I'm feeling. I will feel out those sad songs until I've gotten it out of my system, and I will eventually feel happy like every other normal human being. So, maybe my current parade is a sad one! But who told you you could ruin my sad parade, huh? Who told you you're allowed to rain on my parade?
Well. I never thought it was possible. Maybe it's not. Not for our whole society, anyway. But for you, redefining beauty has never been easier. Start by taking a look in your mirror with an Expo marker, and writing positive affirmations on it. My mirror says in big letters, "YOU ARE SO BEAUTIFUL!"  And after seeing it everyday, I think I truly believe it. Being beautiful could be meaningless, but if you've made it something meaningful, change your perspective. If you are unhappy, change your perspective. If you take a water bottle that has half the amount of water in it (not half full or half empty if you catch my drift...), throw around the bottle until you see the amount of water from all different angles. You start to notice whether that bottle is really half full or half empty. The only way to get through life is with that water bottle remaining half full...until you drink it all of course! One of my favorite facts is that when you force yourself to smile, your  brain thinks you are happy, so then you actually end up being happy! How's that for change of perspective?
Someone tweeted that quote yesterday or today and I was in disbelief .  My first thought was "well if I feel trapped in my body, I can't just leave it, because there is no open door for that." Then I came to the realization that there IS an open door for that. It's called an eating disorder. If I feel trapped, my eating disorder has countless ways to attempt to counteract that, but it is not nearly as successful now as it used to be. The eating disorder is what makes you feel trapped. It's not your body that makes you feel trapped. It took me about ten years to figure this out, and I am only a teenager. I've come a long way in discovering that there is more to me than a number and more to me than a size; the eating disorder community reiterates these statements time and time again, so I am not saying anything new. What I am saying, is to not stay trapped in prison if the door is left wide open. DON'T stay trapped in an eating disorder, don't stay trapped in your mind. The door is so wide open that it can fit the whole population of the world into it. The door that has EXIT written all over it is the door to recovery. It is the door to life. This weekend, I was actually able to dance and feel good about myself body image wise. I wore a bathing suit without wanting to jump out of my skin, and I laughed without worrying if there was something in my teeth, which I learned later on by looking at pictures that nobody told me I had a piece of green something in my teeth, but that's okay. Life is bumpy, I'll be the first to admit it. Its challenges and struggles are what got me to this point today, though. I don't need my scale. I don't need food labels. I don't need a red bracelet. I don't need to know my size. I don't need to know how many calories are in the cookies I'm about to devour. I don't need pro-ana websites. I don't need an eating disorder. What I need is food. A love for my body, and a positive body image. A love for God and a love for everything that gets shot my way. But really, all I need is that door to be wide open, because as long as it stays wide open, my life stays wide open too....