Today I decided to take care of me. I've been feeling really ill lately, what some may call in the medical field (not me, of course) "extreme fatigue". It's been pretty miserable to say the least, but I woke up this morning after feeling this way for a few days, and decided I was gonna call the doctor. CALL THE DOCTOR YOU SAY?! yeah.....i never used to do that kind of thing. happens when you have an eating disorder. taking care of yourself=unknown concept. or denied concept. take your pick. but recovery is ALL about self-care and knowing your self-worth. so i am mighty proud that i went to the doctor today. Even picking up that phone is a step in a new direction for me. Like big deal!!! I never call health care providers because I'm scared of talking on the phone. But that fear didn't even enter my mind. I just went ahead and called. WOOHOO! i am awesome. haha.....okay not true, but a part of my recovery is to learn my awesomeness while excepting it, no? So, what I'm trying to say is, even though I still feel awfully, I made a recovery step today. Even though I had my blood drawn today, and to me getting blood drawn just has eating disorder written all over it, I still did it!!! I took the steps toward self-care. So today, what I'm trying to say is, self-care is the way to go. And if we wanna talk anti pro-ana today, just think about how pro-ana supports DAMAGE TO THE SELF and not self-care. So, don't visit pro-ana sites if you are trying to practice self-care....which should be ya'll! And no I'm not from the south, but remember, wellness is key all around! okay i'll stop my really awful jokes. Just think about wellness, and self-care. These are tastes of recovery I thought I would never experience. And that is AWESOME!!!!!!! so, even though I still have no idea what is wrong with me in terms of why I feel ill, what is right with me is my self-care! So say a little prayer I feel better. But until next time....do one thing today to take care of YOU! A bath, a walk, phone an important friend you never get to talk to, look at a picture that makes you smile, look up a funny joke and laugh until you cry of utter happiness, brush your hair, do your make up for the heck of it, go for a run, listen to your favorite song, watch your favorite movie, kiss your significant other, hug someone you care about, DO SOMETHING THAT MAKES YOU SMILE AND TAKE CARE OF YOU!!!!!!!!! :)
Now while I go and read an introduction to contemporary psychodynamic theory, have an awesome day!!!
With self-caring love,
M  little kids....i always knew how to make myself smile!!!! SILLY!!!!!! :D
On my Stop Pro-Ana facebook page, somebody told me that we cannot fight against eating disorders because people wouldn't say such a thing about a real physical illness. This is a very uneducated, and misinterpreted statement. People who are suffering with cancer are, in turn, fighting their cancer. People who have eating disorders as well are fighting against them. However, when there are all these pro-eating disorder websites, people are unable to start fighting earlier, because the communities are infested with negativity rather than supporting each other to get help or begin a journey of recovery. Just like any other illness, physical or mental (or both!), many people lose the fight everyday. That's why I continue to fight, even though I may not be battling my eating disorder to the same extremity that I did three years ago, even, I am not prepared to give in or lose the fight now. It's also why I fight for others by getting the word out about pro-eating disorder materials that exist. But enough of that.....that was just my little public service announcement!
In looking for inspiration for today's blog, I saw some tweets about peace, and I was thinking, "What an awesome topic!" Because seriously, inner peace is something I always think about. I mostly think about it in terms of decisions. Like, does doing A rather than B bring me a sense of peace and calm? I ask myself questions like these when it comes to discerning life-changing decisions, but also with life in general.
There is nothing like inner peace. I don't mean the whole Buddha-like, super yoga peace. Because, I'm a devout Catholic and I'm not really into that. Not that you can't have both, because I know lots of people in recovery where yoga is a really awesome tool used as a vehicle to be one with your body and one with God (or any kind of spirit, divine power that the yoga-practicer may believe in). But inner peace brings a holistic calm to your heart. It gives you a sense of awareness that you can make it through this life with joy! JOY! Learning how to experience inner peace has been a long, hard journey that I am still embarking on everyday. What I've learned so far, and how I've come to experience even a taste of inner peace, even a taste of recovery, is another question. I have had to teach myself, and learn from the world, what it means to truly be beautiful. Not even superficially beautiful, or beautiful on the surface. There is so much more to beauty that is to be experienced in this life, I believe. God gave us beauty to experience it, not to create it to be an unattainable ideal that superficial beauty seems to be, simply because of the way our society has created it to be.
Enough of my rambling. What I would like you to take away from this post, on this beautiful Sunday afternoon, is to think about your definition of inner peace. What is it like to possess inner peace? What does inner peace feel like? If you don't have inner peace, which we all do, I encourage you to search for it, look for it. You deserve to feel that peace, and that beauty that God has given us. And...if you don't feel like you deserve it, which is crazy but I'll entertain the thought, I encourage you to FIGHT! FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT!!!!! the way we fight cancer, eating disorders, and the same way I fight against these crazy pro-eating disorder sites!!!!!!!!!!
So fight for that peace, my spiritual little ones. :)
 I think this is reflective of God's inner peace that the earth holds, a peace He has provided for all of us.  I know you all care about seeing a picture of me....but I think this picture of me reflects my inner joy and peace that I have FINALLY attained, but I will admit, I fought for it!
Well if it honestly took medical professionals to find this out this late, I'm saddened by the perspective of outsiders who know little about eating disorders. http://www.medicinenet.com/script/main/art.asp?articlekey=117305 Check it out. They kill their bodies with fats and grease
but we give our bodies nothing at all." That's a line of a pro-ana poem disovered by the authors of that article. It most definitely is sickening, and I can't believe I used to be fed those lines when I was at my sickest. I was looking for each little thing that would feed my disorder. Looking on the computer all night, when I was an insomniac because I made myself stay up all night, half because I thought it would help me lose weight, and half because when I fasted like crazy, I could not get an ounce of sleep in. There are many people out there right now acting how I did, and worse. When I used to follow pro-ana girls on Twitter, we used to hear about pro-ana girls that were going into the hospital because they were dying, and we also used to hear about girls that died. This is all because of eating disorders, and more importantly, these deaths stemmed from pro-ana/mia sites. It has got to stop. And I'm going to do whatever it takes to make it. Please help me.
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